Get out!

So, I'm a bit of an overweight guy. I'll admit to that. Yeah, I'd like to be skinny, but I just like food too much. It's a problem. I mean, I have a sweet tooth, a weakness for Doritos, and impulse control issues. These make for a bad combination. 

I love all sorts of food. Growing up, you'd have thought I'd have starved myself out by now, as I was a super picky eater, but that's really not the case any more. I like most stuff, and I married a woman who is a fantastic cook. That really doesn't help my waistline at all, but I certainly won't complain. It really is delicious food she makes.

What bugs me though, is that some of my favorite foods leave behind an unwanted gift. I'm not talking about the bad breath from garlic bread, or the residue you feel on your teeth after you eat too many Starbursts.

I'm talking about things that get stuck in your teeth.

Apples, corn on the cob, meat, and worst of all... popcorn. 

All of these tend to get something stuck in my teeth. I love each of these foods, but there is a high liklihood that I'm walking away from them with a bit of it stuck between my chompers. Corn on the cob is pretty easy to deal with, and I'm able to get it out after a minute of picking at it with a fingernail. Yeah, I know that's gross, but it's what everyone does, right? 

Oh, right... and I'm the gross one?

Apple peels are a little worse. They tend to get lodged in my front teeth, where people can see it. That means if I don't get it out, and I'm forced to talk to someone, they are going to be staring at that bit of peel stuck between my teeth. Immediately, everything I say goes in one ear and out the other, as their whole attention is focused on that bit of red stuck in my incisors. Also, I have to actually spend time trying to work it out from where it's wedged. It doesnt come out easy. Dang

I love a good steak. I love a good pork chop. Barbecue chicken is delicious! All of these have a problem, though. They all tend to leave behind little strings that find their way into the nooks between my back teeth. I don't know what the proper term for the teeth are. They are behind the canines, but in front of the molars. You know which one's I'm talking about. Yeah, I get little bits of meat stuck in there, making me look like a caveman. The worst part is, these strings are thick. When they get stuck, they are actually pushing the teeth a way from each other. It's so uncomfortable! I've had braces before, and the guy shoving metal into my mouth had to put spacers in between a couple of my teeth in order to get some of the tooth torture equipment to fit. Having a sliver of steak sitting between my incisors is more uncomfortable than those spacers were. Terrible. Beef jerky is the worst, because it's already dried and stringy. If I don't have a toothpick or floss available, I sit there and I'll poke at it with my tongue for hours. All I can feel is this piece of food wiggling back and forth, mocking me and my efforts to remove it from it's haven. 

But the worst... The worst of all... Popcorn.

I LOVE popcorn. I love getting it at the movies, I love eating it while doing homework, or watching TV. It makes a great snack, it's WAY cheaper to buy a box of popcorn than it is to buy a bag of chips (and the box of popcorn has multiple bags, which means more snacking opportunities), and it's much healthier than the bag of Doritos I might otherwise gravitate towards. Here's the problem with popcorn: The kernal skins. Almost every peice, regardless of it being popped or not, has a piece of the kernal skin still attached. Most of the time, there is not any problem, but when I finish a bag, whether I had a single piece or the entire bag, I find I have a popcorn kernal skin stuck somewhere in my teeth. Generally, they are easily removed and it's not a big deal, but there is one thing about them that makes them so bad. They are thin and stiff, which means they dont get between your teeth, but rather under your gums. Oooh, that's the worst. Sometimes, it's not a big deal. They slide out easily and you're done with it. Other times, though they get lodged up in there, and you don't realize it until the next day. Then your mouth hurts, and you feel this little dragon scale sitting somewhere, and you realize what happened. This little sleeper cell terrorist found its way in and made you feel normal, like nothing was wrong. Then, when you weren't paying attention, it started to wreak havoc. Arg! Get it out of my mouth! Get a pair of pliers, yank the sucker out, take it outside and beat it with a hammer! 

Yeah. It's like that.

I love food, so I don't think I'll stop eating just because of this. 

Where's my popcorn...?

Roundabouts

This post is not what you think it's going to be. It's actually NOT going to be about how much I hate roundabouts. Instead, it's going to be about how awesome they are.

I had the opportunity to spend a couple months in England, which was a fantastic experience. I look forward to when I get to go back (If I ever get to go). There are two major differences about driving in England. One is obvious. Everyone in America makes fun of Britain driving on the left side of the road. I'll admit, it took some getting used to, but after a day or two, it seemed just as natural to me. Of course, my frequent readers will know I love driving, so switching habits didn't seem like that big a deal to me.

The other big difference between driving in America and driving in England is the roundabouts. Rotary, Traffic Circle, whatever you want to call them (though if you call them anything but a roundabout, you're a fool), they are EVERYWHERE in England. Even some of the smallest intersections have roundabouts. Places that here in the US would be a T intersection have mini roundabouts in England. It's glorious!

In England, they even have double and triple roundabouts. These are quite complex and can be very confusing, especially to an American just learning to drive in the UK. However, I have to admit that there were some very high traffic areas that, had they had lights or stop signs, would have been monstrously bad in terms of traffic. With the intricate double roundabouts, though, traffic flowed smoothly and there were remarkably few accidents.  It's so smooth and easy. You just wait for an open spot, and then GO GO GO!

These roundabouts are the greatest traffic flow tool to ever hit the US. It's really too bad there are not that many here in the US. It's even worse when they are poorly designed. In England, I never saw one that was poorly designed. I saw plenty that were confusing, but there were always signs and roadway markers to signal proper usage. There is a roundabout in a small town in Idaho that is so poorly designed, there are constantly accidents taking place there. In a couple spots, there are 2 lanes for cars to drive in, but in some places it suddenly switches to only a single lane. No warning, no signs, no instructions on how to avoid being blindsided by the guy driving next to you, just "OK, here's a circle, go around it." Yeah, that doesnt work. The problem here is not the theory of the roundabout, however, but rather its poor execution. Oh, and the fact that 90% of the drivers going around it are students that are reckless, or the fact that it's snowing and too many people don't know how to drive in snow. Sorry, I digress

Besides, how much fun is it to just go in circles around the roundabout? My kids love it when I take a couple laps around an empty (emphasis on empty) roundabout.

Here in America, we have these atrocious traffic contraptions known as 4 way stops. These terrible places are where 2 roads cross, generally at 90 degree angles. Each road has a stop sign going in each direction. This leads to mass backups, traffic jams, and major frustration. There is one 4 way stop in Virginia, near where my parents live, that is constantly backed up. During rush hour, it can take up to an hour to get through this one 4 way stop. How is that efficient? I have come to the conclusion that the person who invented the 4 way stop was both an imbecile and an evil dictator, bent on creating misery among the human race.

Can you guess what they are putting in to replace that intersection? That's right. A roundabout.

Group Work

As an extrovert, I thrive on the energy I get from being around people. I love being in groups, at parties, etc. I enjoy discussions, and I tend to get cranky if I don't have social stimuli for a while. Being around people is what makes me tick.

That being said, I HATE group work. Since the dawn of time, people have needed other people to complete work. I get that. Sometimes teams are needed in order to accomplish a task. The problem lies in people not giving the assistance required. In my classes, I am put in a group. I didn't get to choose the people in my group (I rarely do), and I really didn't know any of them before hand. I got to enter into this group completely blind, with no bias towards or against any particular group member.

Each of us has our strengths. one of us is very analytic, one a technical guru, one is creative, one is a leader, one is very literate, and one is energetic. I'm not going to say who is who. The downside is only 2 of us are hard workers. That leaves 4 people who are just riding on coattails. There is also a distinct lack of communication. Despite the fact that I'm constantly asking people when we want to meet, who is doing what, and who is in charge of actually presenting or turning in the final product, I get no concrete response. We set meetings, and only 2 or 3 of us show up. We say "oh, this needs to get done" and then I'm the one stuck with the bill in the end, furiously punching out content 15 minutes before the deadline because 3 of my teammates didn't give me their portions of the assignment.

I can't stress enough to my group that it will take more than an hour to slam together our findings. Despite my constant reminders that something needs to get done, everyone refuses to meet for more than an hour at a time. Arg. Guess who ends up picking up the slack.

Always me.

It wouldn't be as big of a deal if everyone pitched in, but I hate having to drag someone else's weight. I'm heavy enough as it is.

I think everyone in a group should have shock collars. A person's collar would be activated whenever 2 other teammates believe that person is not doing enough work or pulling their own weight. I believe this would reduce the amount of AZZZCHCHCHCHCHAAAAAAAAPHPHPHPHPHHPHPPHP....

I guess my teammates think I should get back to work, rather than blarging.

Netflix

Let me start off by saying this: I LOVE Netflix. I think they have a great system and a relatively good selection. I am addicted to Netflix,  as well as several of the other competing systems.

Here's my problem...

I'm rolling through one of my favorite shows (binge watching, of course) and I have to leave for a little while. I come back, and suddenly the shows cut off! Not only were the next episodes not available, but the previous 10 weren't there!  What the heck? I was gone for less than 8 hours and the episodes I need are gone?!

Gone, gone, GONE!

This isn't the first time this has happened either.

Sigh. Now I have to find something else to binge on.

Hotline Woes

I used to work in the wireless phone business. I worked for a company that was considered a "third-party" sales team. We dealt with three different major wireless carriers, and to avoid any of these companies coming after me with all their righteous corporate fury, I will not refer to them by name. Lets simply call them Awesome, Great, and... Not-so-Great (NOG for short).

Working as a third-party representative, I had the great liberty of being able to be completely honest about these different companies. Each company had strengths and weaknesses, ranging from price to coverage to handset availability and quality. I loved being able to talk openly with customers to identify their needs and match them to whichever service and handset would best suit them.

Often, these discussions would lead to questions, or there would be difficulties with the activation process. This would invariably result in my having to call the carrier to resolve the issue. Two of the carriers (I bet you can figure out which two I'm referring to by their fictional names above) were really good at the whole customer service bit. They responded to my calls with courtesy, the automated systems were easy to navigate, or had built in systems to send me straight to an actual person. The calling process was not always pleasant with them, but the vast majority of the time, I didn't have a problem with them.

NOG, however, was almost always a pain. There was so much frustration with them, that I began to take notes on how to best circumvent them and get what I wanted with as little pain as possible. Unfortunately, my notes did me no good, as it seemed that their system was always changing in an effort to constantly screw with their customers. Their automated systems had no viable workaround, and their customer services representatives seemed to be trained in the art of customer frustration.

A story:

I called NOG because I had to upgrade someone's line. This is not a problem most of the time, and I rarely need to call in to get it done. This particular instance, there was a minor blip in the system, and I had to make the dreaded call. After waiting on hold with their incessant music and annoying pitches for services nobody actually needs, I finally was able to navigate my way to an actual person who spoke English (sort of) with an accent that was so heavy I could have made a mattress out of it. I told him the situation, which was really quite minor, but still needed the assistance of someone from the almighty person on the phone. He then told me he didn't understand what I wanted him to do.

What?

You're telling me that you don't know how to fix this minor blip that has happened to me at least a hundred times before? (Yeah, I know, I said it's not common, but it still happens) Are you so incompetent that you can't type in a string of numbers into the correct box? I'm even providing you the numbers! You can't do that?

So I attempt to explain what I want done in a different way. Again, he replied with incomprehension. So, I explain it a third time.

This time, he gets what I want him to do, but tells me it is against company policy to perform the task I am asking him to do.

Come again?

Let me remind you, I've done this exact thing over a hundred times (that's not an exaggeration) and I've done it with all three carriers that I represent. This is not a major thing, I just don't have access to the button that needs pushing on my computer.

Long story short, I hung up and called back to speak with someone different who would do what I wanted. The whole process: 3.5 hours. Way to go, NOG, you have successfully turned something that should have taken 15 minutes maximum, including a reasonable hold time, to something that was blown so far out of proportion that I've now turned into a blarg.

I've unfortunately found that many customer service hotlines have a similar problem. They take the simple and create something impossible out of it. I love getting a good customer service rep, and I will gladly stay on the line to give them excellent feedback for every good rep I get. I understand that their jobs depend on that feedback, and promotions can come from consistent positive feedback. It goes both ways, though. I'll gladly rip apart any service rep who doesn't do at least the minimum. They have no place in a service industry if they can't do their job, or they can't do it with civility. I'm never rude to them, because I've been in the service industry, and I know how hard it can be. But I also have a healthy respect for being able to do one's job, and far too often, customer service lines don't or can't.

Slow WiFi

I'm really tired, so I'll keep this one simple and something everyone can relate to. In lieu of length, I encourage everyone to comment with their own gripe story about this particular topic.

If you did't read it above, I hate slow Wi-Fi. Really I just hate slow internet in general. So much of my life is wrapped up in the internet that if I have a slow connection, I start to lose my mind. I'm not one of those "check my Facebook every 32.9 seconds" people, and I'm even less a "tweet every little action and thought I have" person. But I do a lot with the internet, including entertain you, my faithful readers. When my webpage does not pop up in a time frame meeting my expectations, I start to wonder if something is wrong. I go into "diagnose" mode, where I search my computer for connectivity problems, maybe a virus, maybe I'm pushing my computer too hard. Oh, wait. No.

It's just slow Wi-Fi.

Arg! All the other things I could have done something about, but I'm in a public place, or at a friends house, and there's nothing I can do about it. Now I have to wait an extra 5 seconds to get my site up, or worse, have to refresh the page because it timed out. Refreshing is even worse on a mobile device, because I have fat thumbs, and I often end up not hitting the little refresh circle/arrow combination, but something else entirely. Oh well.

I'm sure all of you have your own experiences with slow Wi-Fi. Again, please feel free to comment below (or however it is you comment, I've never actually commented on my own blarg) with your own tales of Wi-Fi woe.

Goodnight. I'm tired.

Where did it go?

As a consumer, I find myself usually buying the same things when I go to the store. I purchase the same fruits, the same bread, the same peanut butter, blah blah blah blah blah list of items which I buy every time blah blah blah blah blah. I then find myself saddened when the products I like are no longer on the shelves. There are so many cool novel things out there that companies come up with that, for whatever reason, are massive market failure. One of these is Pepsi Blue. For whatever reason, that was a massive market failure. I never had it, so I couldn't personally tell you. But there are others that were extremely good (in my opinion, of course) and I'm really sad to see (or rather NOT see) leave the shelves. Like Snapple Elements. Those were delicious! And they came in these really cool bottles. I actually had a collection of the bottles going, where I had one of each element. At one point, they just sort of disappeared from stores, and I didn't even notice until someone brought them up a few days ago. Sad panda.

Squeez-its were awesome! They were the greatest sugar water a 5 year old could ask for, and the little twist off cap was just the right size to tuck between your upper lip and your teeth and act like a vampire. Of course, this was made more realistic if the Squeez-it was the red variety of sugar water. Then Koolaid had to come in with their version of the product, but with a slightly different lid. It tasted the same, but it all came down to that lid. It just wasn't as good for playing vampire, but Koolaid won the battle for shelf space, because I still see theirs from time to time. Poor Squeez-it.

Berry Berry Kix, the greatest kids cereal of all time. The only close competitor was lucky charms, of course. Normal Kix are still available, thank the cereal gods, but the berry version of the delectable cereal has mysteriously gone missing.

These are, of course, only some examples of the various products that have gone missing. There's only so much that can be done about these disappearances, but if too many things go missing, I may have to start taking out "have you seen me" ads on the side of milk cartons. I find it interesting that the products I've listed above are all food... apparently I'm hungry. Anyway, lets all have a moment of silence for the dearly departed that we will miss so much.

And then a moment of brooding for the products that, for whatever reasons, will not go away, despite their being awful. That's a different story, though.

No pockets

Here's a post that stems from a friend's complaint. I didn't even think about it, but now that it's been brought up, I've been stewing over this, and I've discovered that it's quite annoying.

Let me start off with this: Pajama pants and gym shorts are the most comfortable things in the world. Obviously, you don't wear them at the same time, because that would look weird and would probably negate the whole comfort thing. I love wearing pajama pants because they are so loose and unrestricting. Fleece or flannel are great in the wintertime, and of course something lightweight during the summer. SOOOOOOO nice!

Gym shorts are just as good as pajama pants, if not better! They are loose, lightweight, and slightly more acceptable to wear to the store if I get a craving in the middle of the night for something that I don't have in my pantry (which happens far more often than I'd really care to admit). I mean, sometimes you just need some sour cream and onion chips at 3:30 AM, am I right?

But there is one major design flaw with gym shorts and pajama pants. I've discovered that this flaw has infected approximately 50% of both styles of legwear, if not more. It's devastating and oh so inconvenient. Enough so that I actually will no longer purchase pajama pants or gym shorts if they have this particular ailment.

No pockets.

Seriously? You sell pants with no pockets? Who's "genius" idea was this? I mean, at least put one in! I don't need a utility belt or anything, but a pouch in which to put various pieces of my daily necessities in would be something you'd think would be obvious to have. I have lots of things that I carry in my pockets, and of the regularly used essentials, each has their own pocket. My phone goes in one pocket, my keys and pocket knife in another, and my wallet in a third. I can condense if need be, but that's my usual pocket lineup. If the pants I'm wearing have no pockets, then where do I put all my stuff?

This issue is annoying enough around the house. I like having my phone on me constantly. Yeah, I know, I"m one of "those" people, but get over it, that's how I live. If I'm wearing pants with no pockets, where do I put my phone? When I'm not using it, I have to place it between my body and the waistband of these apparently almost-useless pajama pants. Then, the material of the screen shield warms up and sticks ever-so-slightly to my skin, which is both uncomfortable and makes it difficult to retrieve the phone without feeling like I'm going to take off either a layer of skin or the screen shield. (Given the choice between the two, I'd rather lose the skin. Good screen shield are expensive!)

As annoying as this lack of pockets is at home, it's at least workable. I can set my phone down on a table and walk away without worrying someone is going to come pick it up and walk off with it (except for my kids, but they really just want to play games). The real problem comes from those late night store runs. I suddenly need my keys and my wallet in addition to my phone. If I'm having trouble keeping my phone in one spot without pockets, I can't even attempt adding other things into the mix. For starters, my wallet is too heavy to stay suspended within the waistband, being weighed down with all the money I carry (snicker), and my keys are all pokey and stabby, so there's no way I'm even trying that. I can't carry all of this in my hands, because I need my hands to carry the chips I'm picking up at the store (and maybe a Gatorade). And I can't justify getting a cart or a basket to carry my items because I'm only getting a single item (which inevitably turns into 5... or 20, but how am I supposed to know chocolate milk is on sale that day?) and who needs an entire cart for one item? That's just wasteful!

Now, the person who initially submitted this blarg topic mentioned the fact that many women's jeans don't have pockets. What "intelligent" person thought that jeans without pockets was a good idea? Now you're screwing with perfectly acceptable daily wear, making them far less useful to the person who wants to both leave the house AND look like they actually showered that day. I get it, many women carry purses with which they can hold all of their "out the door essentials." This does not, however, mean that they don't also want pockets! phones are more easily accessed if they are in a pocket. I've seen women's purses and the apparently magical quality they have to carry much more than should be physically possible, and I can't imagine that digging your phone out of your magic satchel is any easier than sliding it out of your pocket. Pockets are necessary. Now, some women's jeans have the front pockets, but not the back ones. I personally have no problems with these, as they have both form and function. I'm only speaking for myself however. I do notice that girls tend to put their phones in a back pocket as opposed to a front one. I don't get the reason behind this, but I'll accept that there is one. Therefore, the back pockets missing on girls jeans may actually be more annoying to some women than if the front ones were missing. I don't know. I've never worn women's jeans. I'll leave that up to someone else.

HDMI ports (or lack thereof)

I'm a man who loves his electronics. I like having things that allow me to many things through my TV. Here's the real problem: HDMI ports.

HDMI is a great invention. High quality sound and high definition picture in one convenient cable. the cables themselves are a little fragile, but I guess people shouldn't be yanking cables out of various receptacles anyway.

My TV has 3 HDMI slots. This poses a problem, as I have 5 devices that require an HDMI connection (or at least, get better picture with HDMI). This means that whenever I have to use one of my devices that isn't currently plugged in, I have to pull my TV away from the wall, gently pull out one of the current devices (remember, I can't yank, because the cords can be fragile), safely stash the cord somewhere easily accessible for future use, find the cord to the desired device, and gently plug it in before pushing the TV back against the wall. That's a lot of steps to switch between my bluray player and my chromecast.

On top of all of this, if I forget to check which input I switched (as I frequently do) I have to spend time going through each HDMI input in the TV settings to see which one has something on it. It's a small inconvenience, but it's one I have to deal with almost every time! Oh, and then, sometimes I forget to turn on the desired device, which means I end up scrolling through the inputs several times (looking like a moron the whole time) before I finally realize that the little light on my device is red instead of green or blue.

Now, I know, there are a lot of devices that allow me to consolidate functions. I can get a bluray player that can also stream, or I can use my video game console to play movies, etc. etc. etc. I get it. But I didn't, so I"m stuck with what I have. Maybe when I get my grand theater space (Oh, I have such great plans! *giggle*), I'll plan better, but for now, I'm stuck with what I have.

I could easily avoid this problem with a receiver, which allows me to switch between inputs, and only requires one output. That's an extremely viable option, and I have to admit, has some serious draw. But I'm a poor college student and I can't drop 200 bucks on a good receiver, and I'm too proud to buy a cheap one.

So, I guess I'll have to keep switching my cables back and forth, hoping to find the balance between the devices I use the most and the devices that I use less, but still frequently enough to make me go through this little song and dance. Maybe I just need another TV.

Or my theater...

Jaywalking

Jaywalking is a perfectly legitimate way of crossing the street when there is no legal way of crossing that particular road. That being said, there are some rules.

First, don't be stupid.

Don't try to cross a busy 6 lane interstate during rush hour. If there is a car anywhere in sight, you should not be crossing the interstate. That's stupid and suicidal. It's common sense. Find another way around. If you are in a city, there are plenty of overpasses within just a couple miles of you. Believe me, your life is worth the hike.

Alright. Now that the morbid part of my speech is over, lets get down to the meat of the subject.

Rule 2: Proper use of crosswalks.

If you are in the city, chances are that there is a crosswalk at the street corner. Many times, those crosswalks are regulated by the use of the "Walk/Dont Walk" lit up signs. Now, in case you are confused, if the image is red, whether it be the words "DONT WALK" or just the big red open hand, it means you should not step into the street. When the sign turns white (or sometimes green), then you have permission to cross. At that point, please move at a reasonable pace across the street, assisting old ladies as you go. Hey, those Boy Scouts can't get them all!

Rule 3: More proper use of crosswalks

Don't jaywalk when a crosswalk is present. I can think of very few times when you need to get across the street so desperately that you can't wait 2 minutes for your turn at the crosswalk. The times when it would be allowable: Your wife is in labor and the hospital is across the street, a bomb is strapped to you and you are running away from highly populate areas, or an supervillain is attacking and you need to get to your costume ASAP. This last only applies if you ACTUALLY have superpowers. Being double jointed or having better than 20/20 vision is not a superpower.

Also, don't cross the street 20 feet up from a crosswalk. It's there for a reason. If you are so lazy that you can't walk 20 feet up the sidewalk to a proper crosswalk, then I guess you probably deserve to get hit by a car. Seriously. It's within view! Why are you so special that you get to ignore all the rules and expect that traffic will just stop for you? The other day, I actually watched a guy come out of his building, turn and move AWAY from the crosswalk, just so he could jaywalk across the street, through moving traffic, and into a coffee shop. Are you kidding me? it would have been easier, and probably taken about the same amount of time to move to the crosswalk, wait the ten seconds for it to change, cross the road safely and legally, and then walk the 30 feet back up the sidewalk on the other side to get your coffee, and you would have saved yourself from recieving the scumbag status. You sir, deserve to be slapped, have your face set on fire, and then have that fire put out with a pair of soccer cleats.

Seriously. If the crosswalk is available, and a supervillain isn't attacking, don't jaywalk.

If no crosswalk is available, please jaywalk intelligently. Or creatively. I would stop for someone is they moonwalked across the street. Or did it on their hands. I would stop for a handstanding jaywalker. Ooh! A hand-moon-jay-walker. That, I would like to see.

Automatic Bathrooms

Feeling stupid is not a normal activity for me. Somehow, though, every time I walk into a bathroom with anything automated, I get the chance to both look and feel like an idiot.

Lets break this down into the different pieces.

The Toilets

There are two problems with automatic toilets. They are far too sensitive, or not sensitive enough. I rarely find an automatic toilet with the right sensitivity. Being a man, I feel I can talk about urinals with some degree of authority. This is a stupid little thing, but sometimes when I'm... you know... the urinal flushes in the middle of it! Why? Did I move? I didn't think so. So why are you flushing? Couldn't you wait ten seconds till I had actually stepped away?

But lets face it. Having a urinal flush on you randomly is nothing compared to having a sit-down toilet flush on you. It's a horrifying experience to have one of those things go off! There is this WHOOSH and sometimes a splash, and it's just... unpleasant. Now, I didn't shift, I didn't stand up. I might admit to leaning forward slightly to get some paper, which for some reason is always about 6 inches too far away. Why do they put it so far away? Who on earth has arms that long? Oh, right, off topic. Oh, and then, when I'm done, I stand up, and for whatever reason it doesn't recognize that I've left. So, I move myself a millimeter, and you open up the raging waters of Niagara under my cheeks, but I completely remove myself from the throne and I don't get so much as a raindrop? How does that work? Stupid.

The Sinks

I've been totally spoiled by automatic sinks. There are so many automatic sinks in places that now I just assume, stupidly, that when I place my hands under the faucet, water will magically appear. When the water doesnt come, what is my first course of action to rectify the situation? Make sure my hand is aligned with the sensor. Because, lets face it, half the time the automatic sinks don't have a sensitive enough sensor. If your fingers are not in the exact right square half inch of space, no water is coming forth. This means hands with just that little bit of bathroom grunge left on them because you can't get the cleansing H2O to flow from the magical spigot. Anyway, so my first course of action is to check the sensor. Turns out, half the time, there isn't a sensor. Instead, there is a standard knob or handle to turn on the water. Dang. Foiled again.

The Towel Dispensers

There is no good system for dispensing towels that has yet to be released. I will admit, the closest one I've seen to decency is the automatic towel dispenser. I'm referring to the ones where you wave your hand in front of it and it rolls out a nice, easy-to-tear-off sheet of paper towel. Here's the problem. It only rolls out 3 inches at a time. I have big hands. Only having 3 inches of paper towel just isn't going to cut it. So I grab another. Hmmm... Still not dry. Ok, another. Dang. Fine, just one more. By now, the other people in the bathroom are wondering why on earth this jerk is wasting trees just because he can't get the tiny little bit of moisture off his hands. Now I'm sitting there, mentally defending myself; "Its not giving me enough! I  have hands to shake, and nobody wants to shake a wet hand! ARG! WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT!! JUST GIVE ME A PROPER LENGTH OF TOWEL!!!"

The Hand Dryers

I don't know who designs the sensors on automatic hand dryers, but you have to have just the right position to get them to even turn on. Now, if you are a stranger to proper use of the hand drying tools, allow me to explain the real problem here. In order to get your hands any semblance of dry without taking 3 hours, you have to move your hands; Rub them, move them, turn them. This allows for proper air flow around the fingers, creating the (almost) perfect (not really) environment for water to evaporate off your skin. The issue arises with that movement. combining movement with a small and overly picky sensor means the air is only on for 15 seconds at a time. Then you have to stop, find the sweet spot, which is usually about 6 inches lower than where you can ever feel air, and then start the process over again.

There are some newer hand dryers that have come out recently that rely less on hot air and depend more on the actual force of the air. These are cool. They are fast, they are reliable, and when I use them, I get to see the skin on the backs of my hands move and wrinkle like I'm an old person. Then when I remove my hands, they are magically restored to their beautiful and youthful appearance. It's a wonderful reminder that I am young and not supposed to be bothered by silly things like automatic bathrooms.