So, I'm a bit of an overweight guy. I'll admit to that. Yeah, I'd like to be skinny, but I just like food too much. It's a problem. I mean, I have a sweet tooth, a weakness for Doritos, and impulse control issues. These make for a bad combination.
I love all sorts of food. Growing up, you'd have thought I'd have starved myself out by now, as I was a super picky eater, but that's really not the case any more. I like most stuff, and I married a woman who is a fantastic cook. That really doesn't help my waistline at all, but I certainly won't complain. It really is delicious food she makes.
What bugs me though, is that some of my favorite foods leave behind an unwanted gift. I'm not talking about the bad breath from garlic bread, or the residue you feel on your teeth after you eat too many Starbursts.
I'm talking about things that get stuck in your teeth.
Apples, corn on the cob, meat, and worst of all... popcorn.
All of these tend to get something stuck in my teeth. I love each of these foods, but there is a high liklihood that I'm walking away from them with a bit of it stuck between my chompers. Corn on the cob is pretty easy to deal with, and I'm able to get it out after a minute of picking at it with a fingernail. Yeah, I know that's gross, but it's what everyone does, right?
Oh, right... and I'm the gross one?
Apple peels are a little worse. They tend to get lodged in my front teeth, where people can see it. That means if I don't get it out, and I'm forced to talk to someone, they are going to be staring at that bit of peel stuck between my teeth. Immediately, everything I say goes in one ear and out the other, as their whole attention is focused on that bit of red stuck in my incisors. Also, I have to actually spend time trying to work it out from where it's wedged. It doesnt come out easy. Dang
I love a good steak. I love a good pork chop. Barbecue chicken is delicious! All of these have a problem, though. They all tend to leave behind little strings that find their way into the nooks between my back teeth. I don't know what the proper term for the teeth are. They are behind the canines, but in front of the molars. You know which one's I'm talking about. Yeah, I get little bits of meat stuck in there, making me look like a caveman. The worst part is, these strings are thick. When they get stuck, they are actually pushing the teeth a way from each other. It's so uncomfortable! I've had braces before, and the guy shoving metal into my mouth had to put spacers in between a couple of my teeth in order to get some of the tooth torture equipment to fit. Having a sliver of steak sitting between my incisors is more uncomfortable than those spacers were. Terrible. Beef jerky is the worst, because it's already dried and stringy. If I don't have a toothpick or floss available, I sit there and I'll poke at it with my tongue for hours. All I can feel is this piece of food wiggling back and forth, mocking me and my efforts to remove it from it's haven.
But the worst... The worst of all... Popcorn.
I LOVE popcorn. I love getting it at the movies, I love eating it while doing homework, or watching TV. It makes a great snack, it's WAY cheaper to buy a box of popcorn than it is to buy a bag of chips (and the box of popcorn has multiple bags, which means more snacking opportunities), and it's much healthier than the bag of Doritos I might otherwise gravitate towards. Here's the problem with popcorn: The kernal skins. Almost every peice, regardless of it being popped or not, has a piece of the kernal skin still attached. Most of the time, there is not any problem, but when I finish a bag, whether I had a single piece or the entire bag, I find I have a popcorn kernal skin stuck somewhere in my teeth. Generally, they are easily removed and it's not a big deal, but there is one thing about them that makes them so bad. They are thin and stiff, which means they dont get between your teeth, but rather under your gums. Oooh, that's the worst. Sometimes, it's not a big deal. They slide out easily and you're done with it. Other times, though they get lodged up in there, and you don't realize it until the next day. Then your mouth hurts, and you feel this little dragon scale sitting somewhere, and you realize what happened. This little sleeper cell terrorist found its way in and made you feel normal, like nothing was wrong. Then, when you weren't paying attention, it started to wreak havoc. Arg! Get it out of my mouth! Get a pair of pliers, yank the sucker out, take it outside and beat it with a hammer!
Yeah. It's like that.
I love food, so I don't think I'll stop eating just because of this.
Where's my popcorn...?
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