Get out!

So, I'm a bit of an overweight guy. I'll admit to that. Yeah, I'd like to be skinny, but I just like food too much. It's a problem. I mean, I have a sweet tooth, a weakness for Doritos, and impulse control issues. These make for a bad combination. 

I love all sorts of food. Growing up, you'd have thought I'd have starved myself out by now, as I was a super picky eater, but that's really not the case any more. I like most stuff, and I married a woman who is a fantastic cook. That really doesn't help my waistline at all, but I certainly won't complain. It really is delicious food she makes.

What bugs me though, is that some of my favorite foods leave behind an unwanted gift. I'm not talking about the bad breath from garlic bread, or the residue you feel on your teeth after you eat too many Starbursts.

I'm talking about things that get stuck in your teeth.

Apples, corn on the cob, meat, and worst of all... popcorn. 

All of these tend to get something stuck in my teeth. I love each of these foods, but there is a high liklihood that I'm walking away from them with a bit of it stuck between my chompers. Corn on the cob is pretty easy to deal with, and I'm able to get it out after a minute of picking at it with a fingernail. Yeah, I know that's gross, but it's what everyone does, right? 

Oh, right... and I'm the gross one?

Apple peels are a little worse. They tend to get lodged in my front teeth, where people can see it. That means if I don't get it out, and I'm forced to talk to someone, they are going to be staring at that bit of peel stuck between my teeth. Immediately, everything I say goes in one ear and out the other, as their whole attention is focused on that bit of red stuck in my incisors. Also, I have to actually spend time trying to work it out from where it's wedged. It doesnt come out easy. Dang

I love a good steak. I love a good pork chop. Barbecue chicken is delicious! All of these have a problem, though. They all tend to leave behind little strings that find their way into the nooks between my back teeth. I don't know what the proper term for the teeth are. They are behind the canines, but in front of the molars. You know which one's I'm talking about. Yeah, I get little bits of meat stuck in there, making me look like a caveman. The worst part is, these strings are thick. When they get stuck, they are actually pushing the teeth a way from each other. It's so uncomfortable! I've had braces before, and the guy shoving metal into my mouth had to put spacers in between a couple of my teeth in order to get some of the tooth torture equipment to fit. Having a sliver of steak sitting between my incisors is more uncomfortable than those spacers were. Terrible. Beef jerky is the worst, because it's already dried and stringy. If I don't have a toothpick or floss available, I sit there and I'll poke at it with my tongue for hours. All I can feel is this piece of food wiggling back and forth, mocking me and my efforts to remove it from it's haven. 

But the worst... The worst of all... Popcorn.

I LOVE popcorn. I love getting it at the movies, I love eating it while doing homework, or watching TV. It makes a great snack, it's WAY cheaper to buy a box of popcorn than it is to buy a bag of chips (and the box of popcorn has multiple bags, which means more snacking opportunities), and it's much healthier than the bag of Doritos I might otherwise gravitate towards. Here's the problem with popcorn: The kernal skins. Almost every peice, regardless of it being popped or not, has a piece of the kernal skin still attached. Most of the time, there is not any problem, but when I finish a bag, whether I had a single piece or the entire bag, I find I have a popcorn kernal skin stuck somewhere in my teeth. Generally, they are easily removed and it's not a big deal, but there is one thing about them that makes them so bad. They are thin and stiff, which means they dont get between your teeth, but rather under your gums. Oooh, that's the worst. Sometimes, it's not a big deal. They slide out easily and you're done with it. Other times, though they get lodged up in there, and you don't realize it until the next day. Then your mouth hurts, and you feel this little dragon scale sitting somewhere, and you realize what happened. This little sleeper cell terrorist found its way in and made you feel normal, like nothing was wrong. Then, when you weren't paying attention, it started to wreak havoc. Arg! Get it out of my mouth! Get a pair of pliers, yank the sucker out, take it outside and beat it with a hammer! 

Yeah. It's like that.

I love food, so I don't think I'll stop eating just because of this. 

Where's my popcorn...?

Where did it go?

As a consumer, I find myself usually buying the same things when I go to the store. I purchase the same fruits, the same bread, the same peanut butter, blah blah blah blah blah list of items which I buy every time blah blah blah blah blah. I then find myself saddened when the products I like are no longer on the shelves. There are so many cool novel things out there that companies come up with that, for whatever reason, are massive market failure. One of these is Pepsi Blue. For whatever reason, that was a massive market failure. I never had it, so I couldn't personally tell you. But there are others that were extremely good (in my opinion, of course) and I'm really sad to see (or rather NOT see) leave the shelves. Like Snapple Elements. Those were delicious! And they came in these really cool bottles. I actually had a collection of the bottles going, where I had one of each element. At one point, they just sort of disappeared from stores, and I didn't even notice until someone brought them up a few days ago. Sad panda.

Squeez-its were awesome! They were the greatest sugar water a 5 year old could ask for, and the little twist off cap was just the right size to tuck between your upper lip and your teeth and act like a vampire. Of course, this was made more realistic if the Squeez-it was the red variety of sugar water. Then Koolaid had to come in with their version of the product, but with a slightly different lid. It tasted the same, but it all came down to that lid. It just wasn't as good for playing vampire, but Koolaid won the battle for shelf space, because I still see theirs from time to time. Poor Squeez-it.

Berry Berry Kix, the greatest kids cereal of all time. The only close competitor was lucky charms, of course. Normal Kix are still available, thank the cereal gods, but the berry version of the delectable cereal has mysteriously gone missing.

These are, of course, only some examples of the various products that have gone missing. There's only so much that can be done about these disappearances, but if too many things go missing, I may have to start taking out "have you seen me" ads on the side of milk cartons. I find it interesting that the products I've listed above are all food... apparently I'm hungry. Anyway, lets all have a moment of silence for the dearly departed that we will miss so much.

And then a moment of brooding for the products that, for whatever reasons, will not go away, despite their being awful. That's a different story, though.

Counting Dimes

So, I have big hands.

You know what that means!

Yes, it means I have trouble dealing with really small objects.

Like dimes.


I hate counting dimes. Specifically dimes. I don't hate counting all coins, it really is just dimes. Part of my job is to count the money in the registers, make sure there is a certain amount of money in them at the start and the end of the day. Paper money is a cinch, quarters and nickles, no problem. Pennies... ok, so pennies are a little tough, but dimes are so small I have trouble counting them one by one back into the drawer. Inevitably, I drop one or two extra into the slot, and I have to start counting dimes all over again. It's really annoying!

Also, I lose track counting dimes easily. I never lose track with any of the other change, just dimes. I start to count by cents (10,20,30,40...90,1 dollar) but then I lose track of how many dollars I have counted out (crap, have I already counted 2 dollars? or was it 3? dang...) When you have 20 different registers to count, it gets really aggravating to have to start over on almost every one.

It's so bad, when I see only 2 or 3 dimes in a register, I rejoice! I am so happy that I can just eye it, and I don't have to worry about starting over 38 dimes in.

Do other people have this animosity towards dimes? Probably not... my guess is that nickles or pennies are probably the victims of most change hate crimes

Nothing

So, here's something ironic. I'm blarging about not having anything to blarg about!

It's actually quite frustrating. Here I am, living my life, which is pretty dang good. But I write a blog of complaints. My life is so good, I have nothing to complain about. Even the little stuff hasn't bothered me enough to consider actually writing something about it. How great is that? Great for life, not so good for my readers (you know who you are!)

I was actually thinking about it this morning while at work. I was intentionally trying to come up with things to blarg about, and I was having a tough time. The best I could think of was counting dimes. (more to come, I guess).

What am I supposed to tell my fans? The thronging masses need my literary work, and I'm depriving them of it because I'm too happy! Man, I'm a jerk

Ooh! I just thought of something! I'll put it up as soon as I finish it!

In the meantime, please, if you have any ideas on topics, or a mildly depressing story you want to share, please email me at thisismyblarg@gmail.com. I would love to look over your material and add it to my menagerie of mayhem!

Sniff Sniff

Have you ever tried those strips that go across the bridge of your nose and are supposed to open up your sinuses?

They
        Work
                 GREAT!

But they sure do look dorky. I rolled over one night and I had one on. My wife woke me up she was laughing so hard.

But that's not my complaint

They work well because they stick to your nose, and they don't let go.

Ever.

Have you ever had those pore cleansing strips that go across your nose and clean EVERYTHING out? Yeah, know how well those stick? These nasal strips stick more than those. When you DO finally get them off, they rip your entire face off with them. They don't even clean out your pores! You'd think that they would at least get something out, but no. A little disappointing.




An Edit as of 5 days after original post written... It has come to my attention that some people now think I wear these every night. I don't. I will admit to the occasional snoring, but these don't really help me with that. I really only use these when I have a cold. They help me breathe at night. That's really it. Don't go thinking that I have to look extra dorky every night. There are plenty of nights that allow me to look naturally dorky without the aid of a nasal strip...