Laundering kids clothes.

Toddlers and children get messy. I think we all know this, whether we have raised a toddler, lived with a toddler, seen a toddler or heard one screaming from accross the room. All you have to do is hear a parent say "I have a toddler" and you immediately think of a chocolate covered face with snot coming out of one nostril, accompanied by hands covered by (or often filled with) dirt.

All that being said, as a parent, I've washed many a stain from my children's clothes. I've gone through so many stainsticks and pre-wash treatments I'm a little surprised I haven't washed my kids clothes to nothing. I'm just glad I don't have to take the clothes to the river and beat them with rocks. Thank goodness for washing machines that do all the hard work for me. I'm lazy!

Wait... I have to fold the clothes? The machine doesn't do that for me? DANG!

Anyway, as I'm rifling through my children's dirty clothes, sorting out the things that truly need attention from the things that are just... uh... mildly played in, I find words that blow my mind.

"Dry Clean Only"

What the heck? Seriously? Who makes kids clothes that are dry clean only? I'm not talking about the cute suits or Sunday dresses. I'm talking about the pair of pants I would pair with a t-shirt, the shirt that has a couple buttons, or the pair of leggings that my daughter tries to wear daily. Dry clean only? I don't even take my suit in to get dry cleaned more than once a year... If I'm lucky... and attentive....and I remember... maybe. You really think I'm going to take my KID'S PLAY CLOTHES and spend the extra money to get them dry cleaned? No... that's not going to happen.

I'll just fold them up, stick them in a box, and keep them out of the kiddo's reach so they can't get them dirty. Or, even more likely, I'll just throw them in the laundry. If they get ruined, problem solved. If they come clean, even better! But if they come clean, that raises the question of the dry clean label in the first place.

Seriously. Why make kid's play clothes dry clean only. That's among the more ridiculous things I've ever seen. Just... stop.

Get out!

So, I'm a bit of an overweight guy. I'll admit to that. Yeah, I'd like to be skinny, but I just like food too much. It's a problem. I mean, I have a sweet tooth, a weakness for Doritos, and impulse control issues. These make for a bad combination. 

I love all sorts of food. Growing up, you'd have thought I'd have starved myself out by now, as I was a super picky eater, but that's really not the case any more. I like most stuff, and I married a woman who is a fantastic cook. That really doesn't help my waistline at all, but I certainly won't complain. It really is delicious food she makes.

What bugs me though, is that some of my favorite foods leave behind an unwanted gift. I'm not talking about the bad breath from garlic bread, or the residue you feel on your teeth after you eat too many Starbursts.

I'm talking about things that get stuck in your teeth.

Apples, corn on the cob, meat, and worst of all... popcorn. 

All of these tend to get something stuck in my teeth. I love each of these foods, but there is a high liklihood that I'm walking away from them with a bit of it stuck between my chompers. Corn on the cob is pretty easy to deal with, and I'm able to get it out after a minute of picking at it with a fingernail. Yeah, I know that's gross, but it's what everyone does, right? 

Oh, right... and I'm the gross one?

Apple peels are a little worse. They tend to get lodged in my front teeth, where people can see it. That means if I don't get it out, and I'm forced to talk to someone, they are going to be staring at that bit of peel stuck between my teeth. Immediately, everything I say goes in one ear and out the other, as their whole attention is focused on that bit of red stuck in my incisors. Also, I have to actually spend time trying to work it out from where it's wedged. It doesnt come out easy. Dang

I love a good steak. I love a good pork chop. Barbecue chicken is delicious! All of these have a problem, though. They all tend to leave behind little strings that find their way into the nooks between my back teeth. I don't know what the proper term for the teeth are. They are behind the canines, but in front of the molars. You know which one's I'm talking about. Yeah, I get little bits of meat stuck in there, making me look like a caveman. The worst part is, these strings are thick. When they get stuck, they are actually pushing the teeth a way from each other. It's so uncomfortable! I've had braces before, and the guy shoving metal into my mouth had to put spacers in between a couple of my teeth in order to get some of the tooth torture equipment to fit. Having a sliver of steak sitting between my incisors is more uncomfortable than those spacers were. Terrible. Beef jerky is the worst, because it's already dried and stringy. If I don't have a toothpick or floss available, I sit there and I'll poke at it with my tongue for hours. All I can feel is this piece of food wiggling back and forth, mocking me and my efforts to remove it from it's haven. 

But the worst... The worst of all... Popcorn.

I LOVE popcorn. I love getting it at the movies, I love eating it while doing homework, or watching TV. It makes a great snack, it's WAY cheaper to buy a box of popcorn than it is to buy a bag of chips (and the box of popcorn has multiple bags, which means more snacking opportunities), and it's much healthier than the bag of Doritos I might otherwise gravitate towards. Here's the problem with popcorn: The kernal skins. Almost every peice, regardless of it being popped or not, has a piece of the kernal skin still attached. Most of the time, there is not any problem, but when I finish a bag, whether I had a single piece or the entire bag, I find I have a popcorn kernal skin stuck somewhere in my teeth. Generally, they are easily removed and it's not a big deal, but there is one thing about them that makes them so bad. They are thin and stiff, which means they dont get between your teeth, but rather under your gums. Oooh, that's the worst. Sometimes, it's not a big deal. They slide out easily and you're done with it. Other times, though they get lodged up in there, and you don't realize it until the next day. Then your mouth hurts, and you feel this little dragon scale sitting somewhere, and you realize what happened. This little sleeper cell terrorist found its way in and made you feel normal, like nothing was wrong. Then, when you weren't paying attention, it started to wreak havoc. Arg! Get it out of my mouth! Get a pair of pliers, yank the sucker out, take it outside and beat it with a hammer! 

Yeah. It's like that.

I love food, so I don't think I'll stop eating just because of this. 

Where's my popcorn...?

Roundabouts

This post is not what you think it's going to be. It's actually NOT going to be about how much I hate roundabouts. Instead, it's going to be about how awesome they are.

I had the opportunity to spend a couple months in England, which was a fantastic experience. I look forward to when I get to go back (If I ever get to go). There are two major differences about driving in England. One is obvious. Everyone in America makes fun of Britain driving on the left side of the road. I'll admit, it took some getting used to, but after a day or two, it seemed just as natural to me. Of course, my frequent readers will know I love driving, so switching habits didn't seem like that big a deal to me.

The other big difference between driving in America and driving in England is the roundabouts. Rotary, Traffic Circle, whatever you want to call them (though if you call them anything but a roundabout, you're a fool), they are EVERYWHERE in England. Even some of the smallest intersections have roundabouts. Places that here in the US would be a T intersection have mini roundabouts in England. It's glorious!

In England, they even have double and triple roundabouts. These are quite complex and can be very confusing, especially to an American just learning to drive in the UK. However, I have to admit that there were some very high traffic areas that, had they had lights or stop signs, would have been monstrously bad in terms of traffic. With the intricate double roundabouts, though, traffic flowed smoothly and there were remarkably few accidents.  It's so smooth and easy. You just wait for an open spot, and then GO GO GO!

These roundabouts are the greatest traffic flow tool to ever hit the US. It's really too bad there are not that many here in the US. It's even worse when they are poorly designed. In England, I never saw one that was poorly designed. I saw plenty that were confusing, but there were always signs and roadway markers to signal proper usage. There is a roundabout in a small town in Idaho that is so poorly designed, there are constantly accidents taking place there. In a couple spots, there are 2 lanes for cars to drive in, but in some places it suddenly switches to only a single lane. No warning, no signs, no instructions on how to avoid being blindsided by the guy driving next to you, just "OK, here's a circle, go around it." Yeah, that doesnt work. The problem here is not the theory of the roundabout, however, but rather its poor execution. Oh, and the fact that 90% of the drivers going around it are students that are reckless, or the fact that it's snowing and too many people don't know how to drive in snow. Sorry, I digress

Besides, how much fun is it to just go in circles around the roundabout? My kids love it when I take a couple laps around an empty (emphasis on empty) roundabout.

Here in America, we have these atrocious traffic contraptions known as 4 way stops. These terrible places are where 2 roads cross, generally at 90 degree angles. Each road has a stop sign going in each direction. This leads to mass backups, traffic jams, and major frustration. There is one 4 way stop in Virginia, near where my parents live, that is constantly backed up. During rush hour, it can take up to an hour to get through this one 4 way stop. How is that efficient? I have come to the conclusion that the person who invented the 4 way stop was both an imbecile and an evil dictator, bent on creating misery among the human race.

Can you guess what they are putting in to replace that intersection? That's right. A roundabout.

Group Work

As an extrovert, I thrive on the energy I get from being around people. I love being in groups, at parties, etc. I enjoy discussions, and I tend to get cranky if I don't have social stimuli for a while. Being around people is what makes me tick.

That being said, I HATE group work. Since the dawn of time, people have needed other people to complete work. I get that. Sometimes teams are needed in order to accomplish a task. The problem lies in people not giving the assistance required. In my classes, I am put in a group. I didn't get to choose the people in my group (I rarely do), and I really didn't know any of them before hand. I got to enter into this group completely blind, with no bias towards or against any particular group member.

Each of us has our strengths. one of us is very analytic, one a technical guru, one is creative, one is a leader, one is very literate, and one is energetic. I'm not going to say who is who. The downside is only 2 of us are hard workers. That leaves 4 people who are just riding on coattails. There is also a distinct lack of communication. Despite the fact that I'm constantly asking people when we want to meet, who is doing what, and who is in charge of actually presenting or turning in the final product, I get no concrete response. We set meetings, and only 2 or 3 of us show up. We say "oh, this needs to get done" and then I'm the one stuck with the bill in the end, furiously punching out content 15 minutes before the deadline because 3 of my teammates didn't give me their portions of the assignment.

I can't stress enough to my group that it will take more than an hour to slam together our findings. Despite my constant reminders that something needs to get done, everyone refuses to meet for more than an hour at a time. Arg. Guess who ends up picking up the slack.

Always me.

It wouldn't be as big of a deal if everyone pitched in, but I hate having to drag someone else's weight. I'm heavy enough as it is.

I think everyone in a group should have shock collars. A person's collar would be activated whenever 2 other teammates believe that person is not doing enough work or pulling their own weight. I believe this would reduce the amount of AZZZCHCHCHCHCHAAAAAAAAPHPHPHPHPHHPHPPHP....

I guess my teammates think I should get back to work, rather than blarging.

Netflix

Let me start off by saying this: I LOVE Netflix. I think they have a great system and a relatively good selection. I am addicted to Netflix,  as well as several of the other competing systems.

Here's my problem...

I'm rolling through one of my favorite shows (binge watching, of course) and I have to leave for a little while. I come back, and suddenly the shows cut off! Not only were the next episodes not available, but the previous 10 weren't there!  What the heck? I was gone for less than 8 hours and the episodes I need are gone?!

Gone, gone, GONE!

This isn't the first time this has happened either.

Sigh. Now I have to find something else to binge on.

Hotline Woes

I used to work in the wireless phone business. I worked for a company that was considered a "third-party" sales team. We dealt with three different major wireless carriers, and to avoid any of these companies coming after me with all their righteous corporate fury, I will not refer to them by name. Lets simply call them Awesome, Great, and... Not-so-Great (NOG for short).

Working as a third-party representative, I had the great liberty of being able to be completely honest about these different companies. Each company had strengths and weaknesses, ranging from price to coverage to handset availability and quality. I loved being able to talk openly with customers to identify their needs and match them to whichever service and handset would best suit them.

Often, these discussions would lead to questions, or there would be difficulties with the activation process. This would invariably result in my having to call the carrier to resolve the issue. Two of the carriers (I bet you can figure out which two I'm referring to by their fictional names above) were really good at the whole customer service bit. They responded to my calls with courtesy, the automated systems were easy to navigate, or had built in systems to send me straight to an actual person. The calling process was not always pleasant with them, but the vast majority of the time, I didn't have a problem with them.

NOG, however, was almost always a pain. There was so much frustration with them, that I began to take notes on how to best circumvent them and get what I wanted with as little pain as possible. Unfortunately, my notes did me no good, as it seemed that their system was always changing in an effort to constantly screw with their customers. Their automated systems had no viable workaround, and their customer services representatives seemed to be trained in the art of customer frustration.

A story:

I called NOG because I had to upgrade someone's line. This is not a problem most of the time, and I rarely need to call in to get it done. This particular instance, there was a minor blip in the system, and I had to make the dreaded call. After waiting on hold with their incessant music and annoying pitches for services nobody actually needs, I finally was able to navigate my way to an actual person who spoke English (sort of) with an accent that was so heavy I could have made a mattress out of it. I told him the situation, which was really quite minor, but still needed the assistance of someone from the almighty person on the phone. He then told me he didn't understand what I wanted him to do.

What?

You're telling me that you don't know how to fix this minor blip that has happened to me at least a hundred times before? (Yeah, I know, I said it's not common, but it still happens) Are you so incompetent that you can't type in a string of numbers into the correct box? I'm even providing you the numbers! You can't do that?

So I attempt to explain what I want done in a different way. Again, he replied with incomprehension. So, I explain it a third time.

This time, he gets what I want him to do, but tells me it is against company policy to perform the task I am asking him to do.

Come again?

Let me remind you, I've done this exact thing over a hundred times (that's not an exaggeration) and I've done it with all three carriers that I represent. This is not a major thing, I just don't have access to the button that needs pushing on my computer.

Long story short, I hung up and called back to speak with someone different who would do what I wanted. The whole process: 3.5 hours. Way to go, NOG, you have successfully turned something that should have taken 15 minutes maximum, including a reasonable hold time, to something that was blown so far out of proportion that I've now turned into a blarg.

I've unfortunately found that many customer service hotlines have a similar problem. They take the simple and create something impossible out of it. I love getting a good customer service rep, and I will gladly stay on the line to give them excellent feedback for every good rep I get. I understand that their jobs depend on that feedback, and promotions can come from consistent positive feedback. It goes both ways, though. I'll gladly rip apart any service rep who doesn't do at least the minimum. They have no place in a service industry if they can't do their job, or they can't do it with civility. I'm never rude to them, because I've been in the service industry, and I know how hard it can be. But I also have a healthy respect for being able to do one's job, and far too often, customer service lines don't or can't.

Slow WiFi

I'm really tired, so I'll keep this one simple and something everyone can relate to. In lieu of length, I encourage everyone to comment with their own gripe story about this particular topic.

If you did't read it above, I hate slow Wi-Fi. Really I just hate slow internet in general. So much of my life is wrapped up in the internet that if I have a slow connection, I start to lose my mind. I'm not one of those "check my Facebook every 32.9 seconds" people, and I'm even less a "tweet every little action and thought I have" person. But I do a lot with the internet, including entertain you, my faithful readers. When my webpage does not pop up in a time frame meeting my expectations, I start to wonder if something is wrong. I go into "diagnose" mode, where I search my computer for connectivity problems, maybe a virus, maybe I'm pushing my computer too hard. Oh, wait. No.

It's just slow Wi-Fi.

Arg! All the other things I could have done something about, but I'm in a public place, or at a friends house, and there's nothing I can do about it. Now I have to wait an extra 5 seconds to get my site up, or worse, have to refresh the page because it timed out. Refreshing is even worse on a mobile device, because I have fat thumbs, and I often end up not hitting the little refresh circle/arrow combination, but something else entirely. Oh well.

I'm sure all of you have your own experiences with slow Wi-Fi. Again, please feel free to comment below (or however it is you comment, I've never actually commented on my own blarg) with your own tales of Wi-Fi woe.

Goodnight. I'm tired.