Get out!

So, I'm a bit of an overweight guy. I'll admit to that. Yeah, I'd like to be skinny, but I just like food too much. It's a problem. I mean, I have a sweet tooth, a weakness for Doritos, and impulse control issues. These make for a bad combination. 

I love all sorts of food. Growing up, you'd have thought I'd have starved myself out by now, as I was a super picky eater, but that's really not the case any more. I like most stuff, and I married a woman who is a fantastic cook. That really doesn't help my waistline at all, but I certainly won't complain. It really is delicious food she makes.

What bugs me though, is that some of my favorite foods leave behind an unwanted gift. I'm not talking about the bad breath from garlic bread, or the residue you feel on your teeth after you eat too many Starbursts.

I'm talking about things that get stuck in your teeth.

Apples, corn on the cob, meat, and worst of all... popcorn. 

All of these tend to get something stuck in my teeth. I love each of these foods, but there is a high liklihood that I'm walking away from them with a bit of it stuck between my chompers. Corn on the cob is pretty easy to deal with, and I'm able to get it out after a minute of picking at it with a fingernail. Yeah, I know that's gross, but it's what everyone does, right? 

Oh, right... and I'm the gross one?

Apple peels are a little worse. They tend to get lodged in my front teeth, where people can see it. That means if I don't get it out, and I'm forced to talk to someone, they are going to be staring at that bit of peel stuck between my teeth. Immediately, everything I say goes in one ear and out the other, as their whole attention is focused on that bit of red stuck in my incisors. Also, I have to actually spend time trying to work it out from where it's wedged. It doesnt come out easy. Dang

I love a good steak. I love a good pork chop. Barbecue chicken is delicious! All of these have a problem, though. They all tend to leave behind little strings that find their way into the nooks between my back teeth. I don't know what the proper term for the teeth are. They are behind the canines, but in front of the molars. You know which one's I'm talking about. Yeah, I get little bits of meat stuck in there, making me look like a caveman. The worst part is, these strings are thick. When they get stuck, they are actually pushing the teeth a way from each other. It's so uncomfortable! I've had braces before, and the guy shoving metal into my mouth had to put spacers in between a couple of my teeth in order to get some of the tooth torture equipment to fit. Having a sliver of steak sitting between my incisors is more uncomfortable than those spacers were. Terrible. Beef jerky is the worst, because it's already dried and stringy. If I don't have a toothpick or floss available, I sit there and I'll poke at it with my tongue for hours. All I can feel is this piece of food wiggling back and forth, mocking me and my efforts to remove it from it's haven. 

But the worst... The worst of all... Popcorn.

I LOVE popcorn. I love getting it at the movies, I love eating it while doing homework, or watching TV. It makes a great snack, it's WAY cheaper to buy a box of popcorn than it is to buy a bag of chips (and the box of popcorn has multiple bags, which means more snacking opportunities), and it's much healthier than the bag of Doritos I might otherwise gravitate towards. Here's the problem with popcorn: The kernal skins. Almost every peice, regardless of it being popped or not, has a piece of the kernal skin still attached. Most of the time, there is not any problem, but when I finish a bag, whether I had a single piece or the entire bag, I find I have a popcorn kernal skin stuck somewhere in my teeth. Generally, they are easily removed and it's not a big deal, but there is one thing about them that makes them so bad. They are thin and stiff, which means they dont get between your teeth, but rather under your gums. Oooh, that's the worst. Sometimes, it's not a big deal. They slide out easily and you're done with it. Other times, though they get lodged up in there, and you don't realize it until the next day. Then your mouth hurts, and you feel this little dragon scale sitting somewhere, and you realize what happened. This little sleeper cell terrorist found its way in and made you feel normal, like nothing was wrong. Then, when you weren't paying attention, it started to wreak havoc. Arg! Get it out of my mouth! Get a pair of pliers, yank the sucker out, take it outside and beat it with a hammer! 

Yeah. It's like that.

I love food, so I don't think I'll stop eating just because of this. 

Where's my popcorn...?

Roundabouts

This post is not what you think it's going to be. It's actually NOT going to be about how much I hate roundabouts. Instead, it's going to be about how awesome they are.

I had the opportunity to spend a couple months in England, which was a fantastic experience. I look forward to when I get to go back (If I ever get to go). There are two major differences about driving in England. One is obvious. Everyone in America makes fun of Britain driving on the left side of the road. I'll admit, it took some getting used to, but after a day or two, it seemed just as natural to me. Of course, my frequent readers will know I love driving, so switching habits didn't seem like that big a deal to me.

The other big difference between driving in America and driving in England is the roundabouts. Rotary, Traffic Circle, whatever you want to call them (though if you call them anything but a roundabout, you're a fool), they are EVERYWHERE in England. Even some of the smallest intersections have roundabouts. Places that here in the US would be a T intersection have mini roundabouts in England. It's glorious!

In England, they even have double and triple roundabouts. These are quite complex and can be very confusing, especially to an American just learning to drive in the UK. However, I have to admit that there were some very high traffic areas that, had they had lights or stop signs, would have been monstrously bad in terms of traffic. With the intricate double roundabouts, though, traffic flowed smoothly and there were remarkably few accidents.  It's so smooth and easy. You just wait for an open spot, and then GO GO GO!

These roundabouts are the greatest traffic flow tool to ever hit the US. It's really too bad there are not that many here in the US. It's even worse when they are poorly designed. In England, I never saw one that was poorly designed. I saw plenty that were confusing, but there were always signs and roadway markers to signal proper usage. There is a roundabout in a small town in Idaho that is so poorly designed, there are constantly accidents taking place there. In a couple spots, there are 2 lanes for cars to drive in, but in some places it suddenly switches to only a single lane. No warning, no signs, no instructions on how to avoid being blindsided by the guy driving next to you, just "OK, here's a circle, go around it." Yeah, that doesnt work. The problem here is not the theory of the roundabout, however, but rather its poor execution. Oh, and the fact that 90% of the drivers going around it are students that are reckless, or the fact that it's snowing and too many people don't know how to drive in snow. Sorry, I digress

Besides, how much fun is it to just go in circles around the roundabout? My kids love it when I take a couple laps around an empty (emphasis on empty) roundabout.

Here in America, we have these atrocious traffic contraptions known as 4 way stops. These terrible places are where 2 roads cross, generally at 90 degree angles. Each road has a stop sign going in each direction. This leads to mass backups, traffic jams, and major frustration. There is one 4 way stop in Virginia, near where my parents live, that is constantly backed up. During rush hour, it can take up to an hour to get through this one 4 way stop. How is that efficient? I have come to the conclusion that the person who invented the 4 way stop was both an imbecile and an evil dictator, bent on creating misery among the human race.

Can you guess what they are putting in to replace that intersection? That's right. A roundabout.