Jaywalking is a perfectly legitimate way of crossing the street when there is no legal way of crossing that particular road. That being said, there are some rules.
First, don't be stupid.
Don't try to cross a busy 6 lane interstate during rush hour. If there is a car anywhere in sight, you should not be crossing the interstate. That's stupid and suicidal. It's common sense. Find another way around. If you are in a city, there are plenty of overpasses within just a couple miles of you. Believe me, your life is worth the hike.
Alright. Now that the morbid part of my speech is over, lets get down to the meat of the subject.
Rule 2: Proper use of crosswalks.
If you are in the city, chances are that there is a crosswalk at the street corner. Many times, those crosswalks are regulated by the use of the "Walk/Dont Walk" lit up signs. Now, in case you are confused, if the image is red, whether it be the words "DONT WALK" or just the big red open hand, it means you should not step into the street. When the sign turns white (or sometimes green), then you have permission to cross. At that point, please move at a reasonable pace across the street, assisting old ladies as you go. Hey, those Boy Scouts can't get them all!
Rule 3: More proper use of crosswalks
Don't jaywalk when a crosswalk is present. I can think of very few times when you need to get across the street so desperately that you can't wait 2 minutes for your turn at the crosswalk. The times when it would be allowable: Your wife is in labor and the hospital is across the street, a bomb is strapped to you and you are running away from highly populate areas, or an supervillain is attacking and you need to get to your costume ASAP. This last only applies if you ACTUALLY have superpowers. Being double jointed or having better than 20/20 vision is not a superpower.
Also, don't cross the street 20 feet up from a crosswalk. It's there for a reason. If you are so lazy that you can't walk 20 feet up the sidewalk to a proper crosswalk, then I guess you probably deserve to get hit by a car. Seriously. It's within view! Why are you so special that you get to ignore all the rules and expect that traffic will just stop for you? The other day, I actually watched a guy come out of his building, turn and move AWAY from the crosswalk, just so he could jaywalk across the street, through moving traffic, and into a coffee shop. Are you kidding me? it would have been easier, and probably taken about the same amount of time to move to the crosswalk, wait the ten seconds for it to change, cross the road safely and legally, and then walk the 30 feet back up the sidewalk on the other side to get your coffee, and you would have saved yourself from recieving the scumbag status. You sir, deserve to be slapped, have your face set on fire, and then have that fire put out with a pair of soccer cleats.
Seriously. If the crosswalk is available, and a supervillain isn't attacking, don't jaywalk.
If no crosswalk is available, please jaywalk intelligently. Or creatively. I would stop for someone is they moonwalked across the street. Or did it on their hands. I would stop for a handstanding jaywalker. Ooh! A hand-moon-jay-walker. That, I would like to see.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Automatic Bathrooms
Feeling stupid is not a normal activity for me. Somehow, though, every time I walk into a bathroom with anything automated, I get the chance to both look and feel like an idiot.
Lets break this down into the different pieces.
The Toilets
There are two problems with automatic toilets. They are far too sensitive, or not sensitive enough. I rarely find an automatic toilet with the right sensitivity. Being a man, I feel I can talk about urinals with some degree of authority. This is a stupid little thing, but sometimes when I'm... you know... the urinal flushes in the middle of it! Why? Did I move? I didn't think so. So why are you flushing? Couldn't you wait ten seconds till I had actually stepped away?
But lets face it. Having a urinal flush on you randomly is nothing compared to having a sit-down toilet flush on you. It's a horrifying experience to have one of those things go off! There is this WHOOSH and sometimes a splash, and it's just... unpleasant. Now, I didn't shift, I didn't stand up. I might admit to leaning forward slightly to get some paper, which for some reason is always about 6 inches too far away. Why do they put it so far away? Who on earth has arms that long? Oh, right, off topic. Oh, and then, when I'm done, I stand up, and for whatever reason it doesn't recognize that I've left. So, I move myself a millimeter, and you open up the raging waters of Niagara under my cheeks, but I completely remove myself from the throne and I don't get so much as a raindrop? How does that work? Stupid.
The Sinks
I've been totally spoiled by automatic sinks. There are so many automatic sinks in places that now I just assume, stupidly, that when I place my hands under the faucet, water will magically appear. When the water doesnt come, what is my first course of action to rectify the situation? Make sure my hand is aligned with the sensor. Because, lets face it, half the time the automatic sinks don't have a sensitive enough sensor. If your fingers are not in the exact right square half inch of space, no water is coming forth. This means hands with just that little bit of bathroom grunge left on them because you can't get the cleansing H2O to flow from the magical spigot. Anyway, so my first course of action is to check the sensor. Turns out, half the time, there isn't a sensor. Instead, there is a standard knob or handle to turn on the water. Dang. Foiled again.
The Towel Dispensers
There is no good system for dispensing towels that has yet to be released. I will admit, the closest one I've seen to decency is the automatic towel dispenser. I'm referring to the ones where you wave your hand in front of it and it rolls out a nice, easy-to-tear-off sheet of paper towel. Here's the problem. It only rolls out 3 inches at a time. I have big hands. Only having 3 inches of paper towel just isn't going to cut it. So I grab another. Hmmm... Still not dry. Ok, another. Dang. Fine, just one more. By now, the other people in the bathroom are wondering why on earth this jerk is wasting trees just because he can't get the tiny little bit of moisture off his hands. Now I'm sitting there, mentally defending myself; "Its not giving me enough! I have hands to shake, and nobody wants to shake a wet hand! ARG! WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT!! JUST GIVE ME A PROPER LENGTH OF TOWEL!!!"
The Hand Dryers
I don't know who designs the sensors on automatic hand dryers, but you have to have just the right position to get them to even turn on. Now, if you are a stranger to proper use of the hand drying tools, allow me to explain the real problem here. In order to get your hands any semblance of dry without taking 3 hours, you have to move your hands; Rub them, move them, turn them. This allows for proper air flow around the fingers, creating the (almost) perfect (not really) environment for water to evaporate off your skin. The issue arises with that movement. combining movement with a small and overly picky sensor means the air is only on for 15 seconds at a time. Then you have to stop, find the sweet spot, which is usually about 6 inches lower than where you can ever feel air, and then start the process over again.
There are some newer hand dryers that have come out recently that rely less on hot air and depend more on the actual force of the air. These are cool. They are fast, they are reliable, and when I use them, I get to see the skin on the backs of my hands move and wrinkle like I'm an old person. Then when I remove my hands, they are magically restored to their beautiful and youthful appearance. It's a wonderful reminder that I am young and not supposed to be bothered by silly things like automatic bathrooms.
Lets break this down into the different pieces.
The Toilets
There are two problems with automatic toilets. They are far too sensitive, or not sensitive enough. I rarely find an automatic toilet with the right sensitivity. Being a man, I feel I can talk about urinals with some degree of authority. This is a stupid little thing, but sometimes when I'm... you know... the urinal flushes in the middle of it! Why? Did I move? I didn't think so. So why are you flushing? Couldn't you wait ten seconds till I had actually stepped away?
But lets face it. Having a urinal flush on you randomly is nothing compared to having a sit-down toilet flush on you. It's a horrifying experience to have one of those things go off! There is this WHOOSH and sometimes a splash, and it's just... unpleasant. Now, I didn't shift, I didn't stand up. I might admit to leaning forward slightly to get some paper, which for some reason is always about 6 inches too far away. Why do they put it so far away? Who on earth has arms that long? Oh, right, off topic. Oh, and then, when I'm done, I stand up, and for whatever reason it doesn't recognize that I've left. So, I move myself a millimeter, and you open up the raging waters of Niagara under my cheeks, but I completely remove myself from the throne and I don't get so much as a raindrop? How does that work? Stupid.
The Sinks
I've been totally spoiled by automatic sinks. There are so many automatic sinks in places that now I just assume, stupidly, that when I place my hands under the faucet, water will magically appear. When the water doesnt come, what is my first course of action to rectify the situation? Make sure my hand is aligned with the sensor. Because, lets face it, half the time the automatic sinks don't have a sensitive enough sensor. If your fingers are not in the exact right square half inch of space, no water is coming forth. This means hands with just that little bit of bathroom grunge left on them because you can't get the cleansing H2O to flow from the magical spigot. Anyway, so my first course of action is to check the sensor. Turns out, half the time, there isn't a sensor. Instead, there is a standard knob or handle to turn on the water. Dang. Foiled again.
The Towel Dispensers
There is no good system for dispensing towels that has yet to be released. I will admit, the closest one I've seen to decency is the automatic towel dispenser. I'm referring to the ones where you wave your hand in front of it and it rolls out a nice, easy-to-tear-off sheet of paper towel. Here's the problem. It only rolls out 3 inches at a time. I have big hands. Only having 3 inches of paper towel just isn't going to cut it. So I grab another. Hmmm... Still not dry. Ok, another. Dang. Fine, just one more. By now, the other people in the bathroom are wondering why on earth this jerk is wasting trees just because he can't get the tiny little bit of moisture off his hands. Now I'm sitting there, mentally defending myself; "Its not giving me enough! I have hands to shake, and nobody wants to shake a wet hand! ARG! WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT!! JUST GIVE ME A PROPER LENGTH OF TOWEL!!!"
The Hand Dryers
I don't know who designs the sensors on automatic hand dryers, but you have to have just the right position to get them to even turn on. Now, if you are a stranger to proper use of the hand drying tools, allow me to explain the real problem here. In order to get your hands any semblance of dry without taking 3 hours, you have to move your hands; Rub them, move them, turn them. This allows for proper air flow around the fingers, creating the (almost) perfect (not really) environment for water to evaporate off your skin. The issue arises with that movement. combining movement with a small and overly picky sensor means the air is only on for 15 seconds at a time. Then you have to stop, find the sweet spot, which is usually about 6 inches lower than where you can ever feel air, and then start the process over again.
There are some newer hand dryers that have come out recently that rely less on hot air and depend more on the actual force of the air. These are cool. They are fast, they are reliable, and when I use them, I get to see the skin on the backs of my hands move and wrinkle like I'm an old person. Then when I remove my hands, they are magically restored to their beautiful and youthful appearance. It's a wonderful reminder that I am young and not supposed to be bothered by silly things like automatic bathrooms.
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